I Miss Us

I don't feel like I know You very well, although I am supposed to. I pray each day, even when sometimes I force myself to. I read Your words, I read for You and read about You, but sometimes the more I read, the more distant You get. And when I think of You, I seem to know You very well, but when the heart thinks instead, things just get absurd and then there's a great divide between what I know about You and how I know You, between how I think of You and how I feel You, and then I just say that I don't know You, are You the one I've always known or You are the one I am supposed to know!

Tell me how am I supposed to know You, when I want to love You but they say I should fear You. How am I supposed to know You when I feel You do feel pain with our pain, You do cry when we cry and You do get worried and disturbed when our world, Your precious stone, is all disturbed and falling apart, and yet I have to know You as the One who feels no pain, no anxiety and never cries and our worries don't concern Him because He was always there without us and will always be without us and we are all simply dispensable. Tell me how I can feel You as an endless love, an ever-beating sympathetic compassionate heart, a sweet tear and eternal peace when they say I must know You as the gigantic brutal powerful revengeful wrathful and full of pride One!

I don't know much, but I know one thing, I can't know You with two faces, I can't love You with two faces, You are either the One they tell me You are or You are the One I feel You are. I was born and soon I lost my father, so I called You my father, but they say You can have no children and what I say is a sin. I sometimes talk to You and make some sarcastic comments but they say You are too serious to joke with You. I sometimes get angry and complain to You but they say I must always be too grateful to ever complain about anything to You in a grumpy mood. Sometimes I talk to You while I'm lying down. Sometimes I do that in funny places. But they say I've got to do that in the prayer time and prayer posture, but I don't remember all that talk when prayer time comes and honestly that is a painful uncomfortable posture for my long long conversations with You. I think You accept me the way I am and You are there for me the way I am, maybe it's not the best place to talk to You, maybe it's not the best time or posture, maybe I'm not in the best mood, but c'mon! I need You and I thought You can be my father, my old experienced friend, but they say You're too much above that and I am nothing but a worthless mean slave of Yours, well, I'm o.k. with that, I am that much mean and worthless but that gives me more reason to need You, but all the rules they have set, rules about how I should address You and when and how I talk to You make me stop talking to You, stop addressing You and little by little they deepen the gap between us, although we talk everyday but we don't seem to talk, we don't seem to be in touch and not to cross my lines, not to make You angry, I don't say anything to You except what they say I should and I don't share with You all the things that I wish I could share. The distance grows further and I miss You, I can't love You like this when You are that far and although I'm a "better"  and closer worshiper to You now, but I don’t feel that close or good. So tell me, is it You the one I worship now and make contact with in the "proper" way or the One I miss, the One I need and don't dare to address like the old days, I really don't know but if that old One was You too, I must admit, I preferred our old relationship and I wonder why my old ways to approach You should be wrong? Why there should be only one right ways to worship You, why I can't do it in both ways? Why can't love be the real bond between me and You? I really don't know but I miss us!